I am sorry you are so miserable.
“Depression'” means literally “being forced downwards.”
This can happen even when you don’t consciously have any feeling at all of being “on top”!
So I wouldn’t dismiss this hypothesis out of hand.
If I had to live in a foreign country, I would seek out one or two people who seemed amiable and would make myself useful to them, so that libido came to me from outside, even though in a somewhat primitive form, say of a dog wagging its tail.
I would turn in rage against myself and with the heat of my rage I would melt my lead.
I would renounce everything and engage in the lowest activities should my depression drive me to violence.
I would wrestle with the dark angel until he dislocated my hip.
For he is also the light and the blue sky which he…
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